I’m tired of incompetence.
Like just fed up, and it feels as though I can’t escape it, everywhere I go. I feel like am always to blame, like I am the cynic. But what lies at the bottom of the truth well is all the same; I was failed. I was failed as a child when both my parents abandoned me for a year, and they tried to gaslight into believing they did it for my own wellbeing. No ten-year old should have to raise themselves. I was failed by my teachers when instead of trying to decipher my situation, they turned on me. They asked my friends to stop hanging out with me, I was a bad influence. To date, that was the last time I ever had friends, close or not. They made me sit in the shame corner-this is very real- in the middle of the school grounds, catch this, because my tuition was not paid. An issue that was besides my ability. And to top it all off, when I started slipping in performance, but the tiniest margin imaginable, I was frowned upon. I was beaten for it, told I was becoming a bad kid, and shamed by family. I internalized that shit. I’m struggling in my adult life just to not feel like the biggest failure in the world, just because once incompetent people say it. I beat myself up when I get a job rejection letter, I literally cry when I fail to people-please.
Right now, as I am, I can barely tolerate amateurish behaviors. I hate it when people fail at basic function. I hate that at college, the lecturers were barely there and yet expected us to keep up. I hate that some were even unable to show up for a single day, and failed people at modules they never taught. I hate that notwithstanding our very loud complaints, the governments of underdeveloped nations keep being insufficient. I hate how the taxes keep rising and our incomes (or lack thereof) plummeting. I resent how many times we have to cry femicide, dig up data, and yet our leaders are still here making sexist comments. With the degrees in their pocket, you’d think they didn’t need a tutor to tell them one plus one equals two. I am horrified that at least to me, the future looks oh so dim.
Don’t even get me started on the service providers.
I feel strongly that we were taught, still are, that prioritizing income over passion was worthwhile, and now we have a bunch of adults so sick of their own lives and jobs they are on a mission to make everyone else’s life just as miserable. No matter how much money or power, same principle applies.
Maybe its deep frustration from my end, maybe it all the mental d conditions floating around. Perhaps I am projecting my own internalized perfectionism, but I doubt that hardly disturbs the whole lake that is incompetency.